Percolations By The Window

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT

2008-02-09T22:32:00.000+08:00

This weblog has been officially migrated over to Wordpress

it's time

2007-11-08T17:18:00.000+08:00

Yesterday I saw the sun shinin',
And the leaves were fallin' down softly,
My cold hands needed a warm, warm touch,
And I was thinkin' about you.

Here I am lookin' for signs to lead me,
You hold my hand, but do you really need me?
I guess it's time for me to let you go,
But I'll be thinkin' about you,
I'll be thinkin' about you.

When you sail across the ocean waters,
And you reach the other side safely,
Could you smile a little smile for me?
'cause I'll be thinkin' about you,
I'll be thinkin' about you,
I'll be thinkin' about you,
I'll be thinkin' about you...

Quote of the Week

2007-08-31T13:50:00.000+08:00

[Mum calls to say that she's helped me fix an appointment with the dentist]

Me: Mmmhmmm, ok... Thanks. So it's gonna be everything, right?
(i.e. scaling, polishing, the usual)
Mum: Whaddya mean by "everything"? You mean you want dentures done too?
Me: ... ...

My mother's becoming such a comedian. *facepalm*

weird

2007-08-28T23:10:00.000+08:00

I had a strange dream last night. We were going to watch Ratatouille together. An analog clock face kept appearing intermittently. I was running late - 15 minutes or so. But through some inexplicable turn of events, we only sunk into our seats an hour into the movie, which by then was no longer about anything remotely culinary in nature. Instead, the rat-who-aspired-to-be-a-chef was going through an entirely different story altogether, with 2 other characters from previous digital animations.

Now, what would you make out of that?

But why?

2007-08-14T23:04:00.000+08:00

I feel so utterly displaced.

On a separate note, to all those people I'm thinking of now - I miss you all. I miss having that kind of ease with which we used to communicate with each other. Some of you I'm separated from by a physical distance; others emotional. At the expense of eloquence (hah), the situation just plain sucks. I wish I had that courage to ask for the answers to questions I try to ignore. Pretending that everything's really as good as it should be.

Why. It's perhaps the most difficult word to muster.

Horsies

2007-08-14T23:03:00.000+08:00

3 days, 30 plus horses, 6 hours worth of lessons, and a bit of mucking about in the stables had me so totally sold. I'm lovin' it. Even if it meant having to deal with an achey body and walking funny for a bit!

Remember Mr Toad of Wind in the Willows? When the poor obnoxious chap was made to go through cold turkey after his disasterous motor car encounter, eyes glazed over and whispering "poop poop" in a faraway voice in an imaginary driver's seat... That pretty much illustrates my post-camp sentiment. Gotta stop ~~obssessing~~ thinking about the horses...

Mmmffff...

cross over my heart

2007-07-25T20:59:00.000+08:00

No more ridiculously angst-ridden posts. No more angsty tirades. Enough is enough. The past handful of writings here have enough drivel to out-angst a gothic teenager.

I'm not discounting the possibility of slipping into yet another blue spell, but God help me get through it by HIS grace. And no. I don't suppose I'm suffering from depression. More like spells of hyper-me-isms. Me getting sucked into me. Enough.

(Cut to the inner me who's perched on a little stool and receiving a severe tongue lashing, looking visibly apologetic and embarrassed)

Now get back to business, you. Rawr.

quote me verbatim / so is this the part where i start to hate myself for life?

2007-07-17T22:35:00.001+08:00

Years ago, and no one knows exactly when, I left my heart outside your door.

I guess it just never occured to me to knock.

i am a broken duck, sir

2007-07-08T13:28:00.000+08:00

One has no option but to love the idiotic Pig.

nuts

2007-06-27T22:13:00.000+08:00

I have no fear of drowning
It's the breathing that's taking all this work

Interesting. My previous post transformed itself into a premonition of what was to hit me this week...

sum of it all

2007-06-21T21:57:00.000+08:00

I'm screwed. That's it. It's as simple as that.

Almost each day is a battle of wills, between logic and heart.

It didn't happen at when it would have been the best times. Missed the boat. Lost the plot. Platitudes. Whatever.

What's to save this mess of me?

Vague, veiled, ambiguous posts are really... meaningless.

World Spins Madly On

2007-06-19T23:45:00.000+08:00

I let the day go by
I always say goodbye
I watch the stars from my window sill
The whole world is moving and I'm standing still

Don't Dream It's Over (cover)

2007-06-17T21:23:00.000+08:00

There is freedom within, there is freedom without
Try to catch the deluge in a paper cup
There's a battle ahead, many battles are lost
But you'll never reach the end of the road
While you're traveling with me

Hey now, hey now
Don't dream it's over
Hey now, hey now
When the world comes in
They come, they come
To build a wall between us
We know they won't win

Now I'm towing my car, there's a hole in the roof
My possessions are causing me suspicion but there's no proof
In the paper today tales of war and of waste
But you turn right over to the T.V. page

Hey now, hey now
Don't dream it's over
Hey now, hey now
When the world comes in
They come, they come
To build a wall between us
We know they won't win

Now I'm walking again to the beat of a drum
And I'm counting the steps to the door of your heart
Only shadows ahead barely clearing the roof
Get to know the feeling of liberation and relief

Hey now, hey now
Don't dream it's over
Hey now, hey now
When the world comes in
They come, they come
To build a wall between us
Don't ever let them win

hair-raising woes

2007-06-17T19:07:00.000+08:00

I've flunked yet another hairdresser. The trouble with most of them is that they approach long hair with a one-mold-fits-all mentality.

My naturally wavy hair looks somewhat like a big loose curl perm growing out. And I *like* it that way. Granted, it's not the sleekest nor tamest of hair types, but it's different. It's got character. And it's a part of ME. Hurrah for that.

So all you hairdressers out there, stop trying to make my hair conform to your idea of what it "should" be like. Growl. I find it pretty insulting when they blow-dry my hair ramrod straight, shred-layering it just cause I'd requested for it to be made "lighter", and have me looking like any other Chinese girl along Orchard Road at the end of it all. As though I'm just another commodity churned off the salon's production line. Pleh.

It's gonna be $8 haircuts at the T&G academy from now on, even though it means a minimum of 2 hours in the shaky hands of a trainee. At least they do a proper scissors-cut throughout (no shredder nonsense), and the mandatory pre-cut assessment under their mentors ensures that they don't do clone-cuts either. Heh. Oh. And their cuts have proven it possible for me to survive on just 2-3 visits a year, so that works out to be a pretty good deal, no?

grey clouds

2007-06-14T17:39:00.000+08:00

Was in such a foul mood this morning that I shocked myself with the edgy responses I gave to 2 of my managers. I'm normally very even-tempered at work (honest!), so the sudden spike in temperament was something that worried me no end.

Clung to tenterhooks until lunch, during which I had a quick meal of beehoon soup before popping into the Times bookshop to get a breather.

I've found a secret sanctum away from the office cube - who would have figured that a bookstore could be therapy for the grumpy office worker?

Back to the cube with a $1.50 cuppucino, in a far more upbeat and lucid mood to take on the rest of the day.

***

My mum just further brightened my mood with her SMS: Bought nice indian dinner come home early.

Man. And I'd thought the day was destined to suck. :)

Bak Kuh Teh

2007-05-24T17:37:00.000+08:00

Relatives. Generally a group of people whom I'm obliged to make small talk with every now and then. If it's not the annual CNY house visit or phone call (depending on which part of the world they are in), then it would be the one-off restaurant meals when they are in town. Not a very close-knit nucleus we have going on around here, heh.

So anyway, an aunt based in NY was recently in town for work, and my 80 yr old grand-aunt (whom I hadn't seen in years) seized the opportunity to tag along. We met in a group of 8 over bak kuh teh, and feeling a little awkward with nothing interesting in mind to say to the grand-aunt, I subconciously made a wry face at her. If I were 10 and my parents had caught my expression, there would probably have been some kind of mild remonstration. But I'm not 10. And they didn't see me. Hehe. But back to the bak kuh teh. I mean, relatives.

My dear old grand-aunt... made a face back at me.

I chortled. Lunch was yummy, and after that I went over to sit beside her while the rest gabbled amongst themselves and flipped through the photos from my cousin's wedding (who married right after graduation, oof). She asked the standard question-:

GA: Do you have a boyfriend?
Me [thinks: oh no, here we go again...]: Nope, not yet.
GA: Eh. Take your time... Choose carefully.

No awkward pauses, "oh's", or "why's". Just that - Take your time. Choose carefully.

Hmm.

I like that.

A LOT.

My grand-aunt So. Totally. Rocks. :D

photo log

2007-04-13T23:42:00.000+08:00

Pre-Trip Rambles

2007-04-06T00:40:00.000+08:00

Boss says Hanoi is 18 degrees celsius! I wonder if those in the first group are waiting to kill me for telling them to expect 22 c - 33 c instead.... *gulp*

Well... I suppose I shall find out tomorrow night...?

Still upbeat about going to Vietnam though. :) Updated the songs in the mp3 player, and chucked some books in the bag to read in anticipation of the 3.5 hr plane journey. Gonna be taking a cruise on Halong Bay - Hoping real hard for the weather to be photo-friendly then!!! Apart from that, if arrangements allow for it, I might attend Easter service in a (catholic?) church. Tres cool.

Wheeeee...

Shout out to Rachel: Oh, I didn't have the chance to wish you bon voyage for your trip to those 2 islands (what were their names again?), but sure looking forward to having u back again mid-April!!! :)

sway(ing)

2007-03-10T23:30:00.000+08:00

Don't stray, don't ever go away
I should be much too smart for this
You know it gets the better of me
Sometimes, when you and I collide
I fall into an ocean of you, pull me out in time
Don't let me drown, let me down
I say it's all because of you

And here I go, losing my control
I'm practising your name so I can say it to your face
It doesn't seem right, to look you in the eye
Let all the things you mean to me
Come tumbling out my mouth
Indeed it's time to tell you why
I say it's infintely true

Say you'll stay, don't come and go
Like you do
Sway my way, yeah I need to know
All about you

And there's no cure, and no way to be sure
Why everything's turned inside out
Instilling so much doubt
It makes me so tired - I feel so uninspired
My head is battling with my heart
My logic has been torn apart
And now it all turns sour
Come sweeten every afternoon

lucid update

2007-03-06T23:01:00.000+08:00

Very good. At least that was how Y. described the shots I took for the youth sports event. I'll confess. It was their semi-pro camera that I was using. What with an anti-shake function and a 10x optical zoom, in addition to the manual controls, taking the action shots wasn't difficult at all. But nonetheless, the SMS of approval sure made me feel... good. :)

I kept seeing them today during the short walk to the nearby food centre. They were EVERYWHERE. Sardine-d in the lift, on the escalator, nattering over wraps and fruit juice blends in a glass windowed cafe - they of the Singaporean female yuppie mold. Powdered faces, long straight (read: limp, mostly thanks to rebonding) hair, typical office worker garb. The thought of morphing into one of them was enough to make me want to race to the nearest cliff and leap off in sheer horror. Which was quite a silly muse really - there's absolutely no need for such stomach-churning anxiety if I'm confident of my own.. identity... Right?

Sigh. God forbid that I ever get categorised into that sort of girl. The sort who spends time fretting over her weight and cosmetic woes. Who can't (or won't) do something that might chip a fingernail. Who... well, who is a lot of things that I don't want to be.

This isn't a diatribe against being a woman. Honest. I'm totally proud of being female. Ah-huh. One hundred percent, yessiree. I guess at the end of the day... it's all about wanting to LIVE as a girl, not be imprisoned as one.

Bleah.

In other news, we felt the tremors from the South Sumatran earthquake at 11.40am today, but no evacuation was called for. One of the managers said he could see the swaying from the office window (I wanna see that toooo!). Hrm. But I didn't realise that it was so serious until I did a web search... =/

450

2007-02-17T13:45:00.000+08:00

This web log has seen 449 posts... Or 450, if you include this one.

Listening to a live recording of Rockwell Church makes me feel calm, but also a little restless, melancholic-like...

Restlessness. Strong sense that God is calling me to sit quietly and listen (no, not to a Rockwell Church live performance, I mean HIM). But the kind of restlessness (the I-think-some-action-would-be-good sort) being reigned back by a sedating fear of negative consequences also makes for a very disconcerting cocktail of inner emotions. And that ever flee-from-confrontation/reality mentality when God calls is not helping either.

You might just be reading the words of the planet's biggest coward.

Definitely one of those days where I wish life had a fast-forward button.

Very honestly, I think it would be good to find someone to just talk to. Hrm. That's gonna be yet another problem: WHO?

Christmas 2006

2006-12-25T00:13:00.000+08:00

Choppy seas and stubborn drizzling shelved all plans for any real outdoor activities. While the resort wasn't exactly the place I'd have made for a rest and relax opportunity, it sure feels like I've carried back the laid-back, kick-shoes-off mode back with me. Good luck to work when I get back to the office, hoho.

Quiet times made for some (introspective) reflection - which was good. I think. My mind was mostly ruminating over the lyrics from Switchfoot's Gone.

we got information in the information age
but do we know what life is
outside of our convenient Lexus cages

Reality checks. And I'm still trying to figure out what's next.

gibberish

2006-11-30T22:09:00.000+08:00

I've become so NUMB loss in the face of too many w o r d s Take me away i need your grace to remind me to... where IS that cloying sweet-ish smell coming from? carry on carry on carry on life goes on around you EsCaPe all this nonsense need to learn patience I think I may have caught the confounded flu bug that's going around... What's to become of this angst-ridden dump?

fever of unreason

2006-11-19T20:35:00.000+08:00

... has left me feeling both physically and emotionally sick to the core. Whatever that was spat out has now led me to recognise that (on my part) it was never totally altruistic to begin with.

So where do I go from here?

A change in perspective and approach henceforth, for one. But where has God been in the entire equation of it all? This epipha-.. No... That wouldn't be the right term to use in this context... This... waking up to my senses... has left me feeling more lost than ever. Add that to the mountain of pride that desperately needs dealing with.

Epiphany? I'm waiting for it.

intersection

2006-11-18T12:19:00.000+08:00

Help me. Somebody, please.

mishmash-slapdash

2006-11-04T10:03:00.000+08:00

While the details of the current bugbear that I'd recently shared with J. in a half-whine, half-rhetoric over msn isn't something that I'd publish on this weblog*, it's gotten me all troubled over this postulated regression - from what I thought I intrinsically am (and would rightfully continue to be), into what I once was a very long time ago.

What could possibly be the antidote to this disease that plagues me...?

And if anyone were to dare suggest the very root of the problem as a cure, that would be a terribly grave mistake... So please don't bother, thank you very much.

Words words words. There are many of these that are struggling for escape. Part of me wants to grant them their freedom, but once unleashed, who would be there to repair the damage they leave behind? So here I am - guard, censor, incarcerator, of the very things that are being the pain that they are, for the refusal of their freedom.

*This article has no direct connection whatsoever with blogs, but as far as being a faceless cry in the desert goes, that's exactly what I'd like to prevent my most personal thoughts** from becoming.

**Hah. See how self-censorship prevails once again!

WOOT!

2006-10-20T21:37:00.000+08:00

I think I am a-going to Bangkok in January 2007 for a weekend...

... and my company's gonna be a-paying for it....

I couldn't stop a-smiling like a cheshire cat when my manager let me in on the news.

Wheeeeeee!

restless + fragile

2006-10-15T00:21:00.000+08:00

I could blame the sugar-ladened canned coffee, but somehow I don't think that would be fair.

Holding the (monthly) hormonal fluctuations accountable might just be a wee bit more realistic, though I strongly suspect that it's still not entirely true.

What do these cycles really do to one's psyche anyway? Turn us into unrecognisable and demented emo-monsters? Or do they simply amplify what nasty traits that we already possess...

PMS agonies aside... Unlike the naturally waning effects of the potent sugar-caffeine mix, there are certain things I desperately need to clear from my system. But silence continues to reign - a tight plug imprisoning the never-vocalised words. And if it is to remain that way, Lord, grant me the serenity to soldier on...

Restlessness. Come. Take a walk with me. Shelve all the worries about conversations and the like - words don't matter. Let our feet do the prattling instead. Concrete pavements, muddy trails, anywhere. Discover new things about old places. Find a set of swings and whoop like kids as our stomachs tie themselves in knots on the accelerating descents. Frivolity? Nay, I say.

But stupidity. Ah. Now THAT is something that's yet to ascertained. But even if foolishness weren't a crime, feeling like a fool all the while does absolutely nothing to lift one's spirits.

Canon Powershot A640

2006-09-16T20:58:00.000+08:00

Must... resist...!

pine + mope

2006-08-26T23:44:00.000+08:00

wanna
curl up
under
blankets
shut out
thoughts
please
go a
way

doing just fine.

2006-08-12T22:37:00.000+08:00

I get along without you very well
Of course, I do
Except when soft rains fall
And drip from leaves
Then I recall
The thrill of being sheltered in your arms
Of course, I do
But I get along without you very well

I've forgotten you just like I should
Of course, I have
Except to hear your name
Or someone's laugh that is the same
But I've forgotten you just like I should

What's in store
Should I fall once more
No, it's best that I stick to my tune

cherries + longans

2006-07-31T22:12:00.000+08:00

Ironic as it is, me being the self-proclaimed fruit snubber, I'm actually just short of capering about with glee upon receiving a tub of the oh-so-succulent fruits as a post-dinner snack. Yeah yeah, weird combination, cherries and longans, but each fruit bearing their own refreshing burst of juciness. Mmm, yum.

aimless cartwheels

2006-07-20T22:39:00.000+08:00

A. came back from BKK with some of the goodies from my (demanding) request list - I am pleased. And I am also very envious. Sigh. But alas, not anytime soon for me.

I wonder what kind of toll these long days at work will eventually bear upon me. Mew.

Apologies to J. for not sending you off as planned. I will miss my rugged towel... But I'm only kidding, alright?

I missed Baybeats. Actually, it wasn't so much missing Baybeats that was the issue. Point is, I haven't heard live band music for so long. Heh. Shucks. Starting to think back on the days of Parousia.

Mew.

I think I owe C. a lunch visit. Next week, then. And it'll be your treat, hehe.

If I could allegorise my thoughts: Butterflies. Warm afternoon. Futile waving of net.

dangits.

2006-07-10T22:38:00.000+08:00

Heard about some vet science-related course that's now availabe at Temasek Poly. My lower lip may have wavered for a bit right there and then, but let's not go there. Mukala's Regret springs to mind, and really, all that interests/matters to me now is to Skip To The End. Or am I (once again) saying this in the haste that comes too naturally to me?

They're taking them all away. My old haunts. Well ok, not in the fullest sense of the term, but...

Back when I was studying in FMSS, there were times where I'd take the 198 bus, which required me to alight at a bus stop that was a good 5 minutes (brisk) walk away from the school. It also meant a walk past this mini-forested area, where the trees looked like they had temperate-climate origins. Somewhat like pines, but tall and rod-ish like bamboo. The grass beneath those giants grew thick and wild, and even with the glimpses of the HDB flats located right behind that little forested patch, I could never help myself from slowing down a wee bit to gaze into that quiet area that seemed to hold such an aura of mystery.

Lightning might have felled a tree or two of late. It's certainly less "thick" than I remember it to be. And what with the circle line being constructed at the opposite corner of the field, they might all very well be chopped down in the near future.

Fast forward to Junior College. There was this empty piece of land (well not empty. It was lush with greenery. "Empty" paints a picture of barreness, but anyway.) that lay between the mrt and rochester park. I passed by that area far less often than I previously did with the mysterious-pines spot, but whenever I did, it was yet another pace-slower zone for me. I could only think "Horses! Where are the horses!". And after a night's rainfall, the area would be thick with mist in the early morning. Well. As far as things go, a huge billboard has now been set up there, with some name and a telephone number printed across. So I presume that plot of land will now be given over to "development" too.

Hurumph.

random thoughts

2006-07-02T22:18:00.000+08:00

If the concept of a "chilly tone" could be made literal, someone out there ought to be getting severe frostbite at this moment.

It was very windy today. Unusual.

Floorball's kinda fun. Even though I nearly got killed by a flying ball - a clear sign that God IS my protector (and I say this only half in jest).

A sense of release from certain chains (finally!), but that doesn't mean life has become any simpler, simplicity being what I had been yearning for. On contraire, it has in all likelihood taken a sharp swerve into Complex-ville. I frown and shake a resentful fist at thee, Growing Up.

A few chains snapped off, and a couple more shackled on.

Nagging voices of despair, be gone!

close my eyes and hold my heart

2006-06-28T21:49:00.000+08:00

If you put your arms around me,
Could it change the way I feel?
I guess I let myself believe
That the outside might just bleed its way in
Maybe stir the sleeping past
Lying under glass
Waiting for the kiss
That breaks this awful spell
Pull me out... of this lonely cell

Close my eyes and hold my heart
Cover me and make me something
Change this something normal
Into something beautiful

What I get from my reflection
Isn't what I thought I'd see.
so, give me reason to believe
You'd never keep me incomplete
Will you untie this loss of mine?
It easily defines me,
Do you see it on my face?
And that all I can think about is how long
I've been waiting to feel you move me.

Close my eyes and hold my heart
Cover me and make me something
Change this something normal
Into something beautiful
Into something beautiful
Into something beautiful

And I'm still fighting for the word
To break these chains
And I still pray when I look in your eyes
You'd stare right back down
Into something beautiful

So close my eyes and hold my heart
Cover me and make me something
Change this something normal
Into something beautiful
Into something beautiful
Into something beautiful
Into something beautiful

Something Beautiful © 2002, Jars Of Clay

Quietness & Silence

2006-06-17T11:25:00.000+08:00

Are things... really as simple as they seem?

Stagnation and inertia. Questions and trepidation bubble up when the momentum is checked - where am I finding my current sense of security from?

Identity. Lost... or found?

Complicated. Or simple? Or is this simply just neurosis?

Am I heading somewhere, or am I just running like a hamster in wheel?

Incoherent musings aside, lest anyone should think I'm sinking into some unfanthomable state of depression, I'm not. Work has been... mostly good thus far. Each day brings forth its own store of increasing confidence and new challenges to tackle. The general environment has long surpassed my own expectations - which makes it a very good thing indeed, and for which it is something to be infinitely thankful to God for.

Escapades thus far include OT-ing till 11.30pm and eating dinner at the Esplanade's Makansutra food centre thereafter; and just last night, meeting dear ol' Candice over a dinner of pasta and brownie, followed by aimless window shopping, all peppered with (the usual) silly little comments that had us chortling with laughter in drunken fashion as we walked past people and buildings alike.

Hot-air balloon, anyone?

Progress update #3

2006-06-07T20:27:00.000+08:00

Things are clicking into place. Well, sort of. I find it a lot easier to execute stuff when I actually have an idea of the bigger picture... i.e. being less of a naked mole rat, and more in touch with why things should be done in a particular way, etc etc.

Although there are still some stuff that I've yet to get started on... Like the monthly tasks. *cough cough*

Hum. Got some reservations and concerns (and struggles). Mostly about yuppie-hoodness and growing up. And then the bit about after I get the hang of everything. =/

de-li-rious

2006-06-03T22:51:00.000+08:00

No, not from the flu bug, which by the way, I think is losing the battle, woohoo, but joy joy joy joy joy, the group of JC students decided not to continue with the C-Math tuition class!!!

PTL.

Hoho.

Progress update #2

2006-06-03T08:39:00.000+08:00

Yesterday was day #4 of going solo. Everything seemed to be going along fine (by 'fine', i mean being able to move along w/o panic attacks or that sort of thing. Not 'fine' with respect to having everything down pat and under control....) until the later part of the day, when the franking machine's keyhole decided to call it quits. I think that kinda threatened to be (almost) the last straw to break the camel's back. In retrospect... Perhaps I shouldn't have tidied out all the trays of their documents so enthusiastically right in the beginning... Now I have all these little loose ends nagging me for some attention/resolution in my mind, on top of the daily routine tasks that I'm still trying to assimilate into a clockwork behavior of sorts.

I think I understand now why J. persistantly left all those things in the trays untouched.... Out of sight, out of mind. Har har har. Bleah. I learn everyday.

Can feel myself coming down with a flu bug, most probably caught from one of the people in the office. That certainly didn't help my productivity level as the day progressed. Could feel my face slowly flushing from a combination of flu-y wooziness and dismay as G was pointing out certain documents that came under my responsibility to check up upon. Decided to call it a day before tiredness blew things out of proportion - which was probably the best thing I could do at that point. The sudden pile of stuff that seemed all so monstrous at 6.30pm appeared to be more managable as I commuted home.

Now my only concern is with regards to snuffing out the flu bug before Monday swings by. Boohoo.

blargh!

2006-05-31T22:13:00.000+08:00

[to candice: bug-eyed tongue-out emoticon comes to my mind as I type this, hehe]

The past 1 week (and a half) has been crazy, to say the least. The very Monday that I sent R. off at the airport was the day that I submitted my resignation to my (ex-)company with immediate effect. While I feel that my reasons for doing so can be readily justified, let's just agree that work ethics-wise, it wasn't an acceptable thing to do. My greatest regret/fear out of the whole situation was that I'd become numb to the whole thing should future circumstances place me in a similar position once again. So, well. Here's a public chastisation to myself. Bad girl.

*slinks away*

*slinks back*

Hokay. Tuesday morning saw me at the new company under the tutorage of J - and thus started the madcap frenzy of cramming every possible detail/procedure into my stagnant brain. No thanks to 4 months of endless googling at the other place.

What has it really been like? Crazy, like I said. Welcome to the world of administration, where 5 brains and 8 limbs would fit you right in to the realm of The Efficient. My mantra has thus been One Thing At A Time. So far, so good. So far, that is. I keep wondering when I'll mess up. Having J. around was a huge comfort (and fun - all those inane giggling moments), until I had to go solo when her last day came to pass. Today marks Day #2 of feeling my way around like a naked mole-rat in broad daylight. In a bid to tidy up my cube, I keep discovering loose documents with nary a clue about their fate. (J.: Saturday, you die. Keke. :p)

In other news, not only was there a new work environment to adjust to, the weekend marked the start of another series of guitar lessons with the FaithActs kids, PLUS cramming in some C-math revision in order to pull myself through the tuition I've started giving to a bunch of JC2 students.

Random thought: Am I on some kind of subconcious suicide bid here?

NEVER in my entire life have I been so... occupied, in the sense of being involved in things that didn't fall under "personal time". No liberty to drift off into my own world (whatever/wherever that is), save for the time spent in commute and the rare instances like this when I'm home at night and not too shagged after a day of making 1001 decisions that didn't pertain to my own whims.

So gone are the days of when the inner me was literally screeching for some outlet to release the pent-up creative energy that came about from being seated at a desk with nearly NO work for 9 hours. Things have certainly made a 180 degree turn, but it may still be too early to take it for what it is at the moment, given that additional stress always comes with having to adapt to new environments. Just worried that I'll lose myself in the midst of all this adjustment and busy-ness. Like I'd mentioned to some people, I don't want to end up "growing up" and being assimilated into the humdrum of the office worklife.

At this point I wryly recall that the guitar and tutoring lessons had actually left me feeling more rejuvenated than drained. Could it just have been the result of an adrenaline rush from the sudden surge in mental calisthenics? Or just plain mental activity, to say the very least. Calisthenics would be more appropriate if I were actually churning out amazing or creative stuff, but for now, I think all I'm doing is waking my brain up from months of sleep mode. And about time too.

No final conclusion to this ramble. I can feel the Z-monster creeping up behind me, and besides, there isn't any conclusion to make until I get settled in to a routine of some kind.

But till then, and forever now, God help me.

the girl who never wanted to grow up

2006-05-27T21:54:00.000+08:00

and yes. that would be me.

the end.

byeeeeeeee

2006-05-22T21:23:00.000+08:00

So saying farewell's no fun, but we'll see you again in about 6 months or so! ;)

iWant

2006-05-21T22:19:00.000+08:00

to learn how to knit

to sit in a field/garden/seaside/airport viewing galley in quiet solitude

to sit in a field/garden/seaside/airport viewing galley in comfortable silence with a friend

to open up to a certain few individuals

for a certain few individuals to open up to me

to learn horse-riding (no iGallop rubbish, thank you)

to go diving (sans fears)

to play Tchaikovsky's Swan Lake on piano

an avenue to challenge my creativity

an avenue to challenge my intellect (does taking on JC math tuition students count?)

to LIVE.

Photolog

2006-05-04T23:13:00.000+08:00

Bored colleague drawing all over the whiteboard above my desk:

Now that I finally got hold of an image-capturing device, THIS is the view from my office's conference room:

And another one:

Another perspective. I managed to sneak into the vacant office that's on the same floor cos it's currently left open for reno:

I came home to a manja cat:

That's not his most flattering picture, but oh well. :)

moon

2006-04-21T22:49:00.000+08:00

So they finally decided gave me a reply - a 'No' on both sides.

And yes, I'm fine. I've already moped enough on the night that I received the scholarship's rejection letter.

Once again, I'm left head-scratching over the plans He has for me. But Jehovah Jireh is He, and even though I'm not exactly pleased with the prospect of staying on in the same "research" job for another 1.5 mths (Eurgh!!!)... Oh well.

Was trying to capture the moonlight that was casted upon my pillow a few nights ago, without any success. But for an idea of how big and round she was that night...:

And since I couldn't capture the moonbeams on my pillow, how about a picture of the moon as seen from my pillow? Haha...

mueh.

2006-04-03T16:05:00.000+08:00

Reserved Leader

My Personal Dna Report

In.sip.id

2006-03-29T21:34:00.000+08:00

Looking back on all the stuff I've ever done in the past 22 years, I wonder if I've already expended every ounce of my energy - planning/running camps, mission trips, various school/church-related activities, and even raising a kitten. The recollection of any of these is enough to leave me feeling more exhausted than I already am right now, not to mention bewildered at how I ever actually survived the process without collapsing.

But that's rubbish, isn't it. Anybody can readily point out the fact that some rest would restore me. Besides, it's not like I'm a high-achiever with a finger in every pie. Far from it, in fact. So I guess trying to justify my weariness makes it out to be really... sad.

Work? Could insipid work be the cause of this? Perhaps. There's nothing much more to be said about 9-5 (or rather, 8.30 - 6) desk-bound work, save for my vehement dislike of how it sucks the soul out of me.

Or maybe it's just the waiting process that's withering me. Everyday draws me nearer to the answer. Will it be a yes or no? Seems like I've to wait 1 more week to find out. The agony!

But angst and all that aside, I've a sneaking suspicion that it really just boils down to perspectives. And that the other side must be rejoicing at how readily I've allowed myself to be distracted and troubled by the non-important things.

Restore me.

Nyerrrrhe!

2006-03-24T21:30:00.000+08:00

This made me laugh.

Stop eeeeeeeeeeeeet.

Cats. Teehee.

New Specs

2006-03-18T22:45:00.000+08:00

Mr A-Z

2006-03-18T09:37:00.000+08:00

This one's for Candice, because I sincerely wished she was there too. We could have shrieked our hearts out together! But yes, I did put in one just for you!

So the lights dimmed, and Jason Mraz and Toca Rivera strolled onto the stage. Mraz proceeded to whistle aimlessly into the mic whilst Toca was setting up his own instrument, eliciting giggles from everyone in the dark. Save for a guy who hollered "Start the show already!" at the seemingly nochalant Mraz. Oh c'mon, granted we didn't pay to see him whistle and we're all waiting in absolute suspense for him to even say something, yelling something like that makes you out to be someone who paid to see a monkey perform his tricks on cue. I think artistes really deserve more respect than this, sheesh... Well, Mr A-Z whistled on aimlessly, and then without a single warning, launched seamlessly with Toca into Plane. A sign of the all the Mraz-y things to come, wooh!

The two charmed us all with their smooth harmonizings and great playing, if not their cheeky banters. Mraz is one guy who sure knows how to play the audience, teasing and acting the witty stage comedian that he is. He broke into an operatic aria of sorts after making an observation of the Esplanade concert hall's "shakespeareanth" setting - and this was weaved into the middle of... uhm... oh dear. I can't recall which song it was. Anyways. He's an absolute scream, although I do suspect he probably wasn't at his peak that night. Just another performance on a seemlingly endless road trip around the world, but that's the life for those who are in this line of business, sigh. Wish that he had interacted more with the audience, heh. The 1.5 hours really FLEW by, and they didn't even do an encore. Boo...

But alright, peak or no peak, he's still cool. They ended off with the songs that I especially like - Life Is Wonderful and I'm Yours. *squee* Can I profess to be able to die happy now? Well.... almost...? Suffice to say that I literally smiled myself to sleep last night. Hehe. Oh. And I wanted to do something random during the concert, but I didn't. Shucks. I'm shy that way lah. =p

Jason Mraz? ~~You've got a fantabulous voice. No, really. You do. Please. Please please please please PLEEEEEASSEE take care of it by cutting down on those cigarettes. Ugh. =(~~ You've QUIT smoking? This totally ups your appeal factor 100 percent. Mmmm-Hmmm! The man with the fantabulous voice, now cooler than ever. Whoo!

Excerpt

2006-03-15T21:51:00.000+08:00

Sometimes it hits me so strongly, I wonder why I even bother trying to deny it. Then I automatically tumble into the abyss of doubt and cynicism and everything-else-that-could-serve-to-dissolve-its-credibility. Then I go back to denying and suppressing and shoving it into a nondescript garbage bag and afterwards burying it somewhere in my mind so that I can continue with the sad little life I try to lead. And I do a pretty good job at burying it. Neatly at that. It has ever remained unnoticed and forgotten for weeks on end, until God decides it'd be rather funny to toss it out into the open again just to see how I'd react. Maybe I'll see things through His sense of humour 20 years down the road, but as of now, it's just a really sick joke that I wish He'd stop plaguing me with. Actually, I can't help but cough out a chortle of amused exasperation when it happens, but the amused portion wilts pretty fast. Enough. I don't need any of this. I can totally relate to the desire for the eternal sunshine of the spotless mind under these circumstances. Here. Take everything away - you can have the fond memories too. They seem to be discolouring and say... aren't those dings that I see on them?

Sigh.

Dude.

2006-03-07T22:48:00.000+08:00

We ran out of shampoo, and my dad (innocently) went to use Richie's. Last I checked, that bottle had passed its expiry date.

Well, at least it still smells... nice?

Like A Cat Hypnotized

2006-03-06T14:39:00.000+08:00

Indisputable slump, where even breathing becomes a chore to execute. Slipped in a CD, plugged in the earphones, only to get entranced by the first song off Mraz's latest album.

Life Is Wonderful
written and sung by Jason Mraz

It takes a crane to build a crane
It takes two floors to make a story
It takes an egg to make a hen
It takes a hen to make an egg
There is no end to what I'm saying

It takes a thought to make a word
And it takes some words to make an action
And it takes some work to make it work
It takes some good to make it hurt
It takes some bad for satisfaction

Ah la la la la la la life is wonderful
Ah la la la la la la life goes full circle
Ah la la la la la la life is wonderful
Ah la la la la

It takes a night to make it dawn
And it takes a day to make you yawn brother
It takes some old to make you young
It takes some cold to know the sun
It takes the one to have the other

And it takes no time to fall in love
But it takes you years to know what love is
And it takes some fears to make you trust
It takes those tears to make it rust
It takes the dust to have it polished

Ah la la la la la la life is wonderful
Ah la la la la la la life goes full circle
Ah la la la la la la life is wonderful
Ah la la la la

It takes some silence to make sound
And It takes a loss before you found it
It takes a road to go nowhere
It takes a toll to make you care
It takes a hole to make a mountain

Ah la la la la la la life is wonderful
Ah la la la la la la life goes full circle
Ah la la la la la la life is wonderful
Ah la la la la la la life is meaningful
Ah la la la la la la la la la la life is wonderful
Ah la la la la la la la la la la life is.. is so wonderful.. oh!
Ah la la la la la life is wonderful
Ah la la la la-ah
Ah la la la-ah ah-a ah-a

All I need now is an endless road, an expanse of velvet sky adorned with stars, and a convertible. To drive away, away from it all, to the strains of Ah la la la la's...

Game Plan

2006-02-19T21:28:00.000+08:00

Fact #1: Caffeine does nothing to help lift one's spirits out of the dumps.

Fact #2: Endorphins, on the otherhand, are a pretty effective solution. Happy hormone levels are readily increased when one engages in some form of exercise. Or when feline agents are presented (refer to fig. 1).

Fact #3: Endorphins, effective as they are, bear only short-term effects. Feline agents however, have a relatively longer-term effect.

Figure 1

-----

Now please tell me, God, what ought I to do in order for these draining recurrences to be excised. Emotional peaks and valleys are a reality that I placidly accept, but to feel despondent over the same old tune time and time again is enough to drive me crazy, if crazy is something that I haven't already subscribed myself to.

Do the (in)visible tears even fall within the sphere of reason any more?

rant.whinge.whine.

2006-02-17T23:46:00.000+08:00

Not at my most sociable for the past week. In a somewhat Just-Leave-Me-Alone sort of mood, but no one's had their head bitten off as a result. Yet. One reason being plausible victims were not in my vicinity. Har har.

Somebody should start manufacturing a deodorising unit that would remove the icky post-lunch foodcourt stink from clothing. Believe me. It's not something you'd enjoy smelling of. A device fixed beside the door sensor at the office building's entrance should do the trick. And anti-fag suckers like me wouldn't have to put up with gross-smelling *coughcolleaguescough* each time they came back from their fag breaks. Gargh.

To the few individuals who have given themselves the liberty of calling me by my surname, stop it. You aren't my chum. And my chums don't call me by my surname. And you are unnecessarily making me feel bad for shooting you one of my looks each time you do it. It's even more so a shame when we've already known each other for a number of years and you have full knowledge of my specific dislikes. For heavens' sake, it doesn't even carry a catchy/friendly/chummy punch to it, so give it up! Grrr. Alas, the people in question have hardly any idea of this blog's existance. So much for that.

There's this guy who is given a 5 minute slot to promote positive thinking on CNA every morning. I know this because I'm forced to endure the evil device that is called TV mobile on the daily commute to work. And I also clearly remember the day of its launch 5 years ago. I was on the bus to school on Valentine's Day at 6.30am, and the horrible screeches emitted from the speakers drained away all goodwill I would have ever had for the blasted installation (yes yes, they were still at the testing phase but no one should ever be put through that torture. It wasn't resolved till MONTHS later). So anyway. This guy's 5 minutes go along the lines of repeating queer-sounding positive thinking mantras whilst rubbing the chest area over his heart in a "slow, circular motion". It's so bad, it's almost as painful to watch as the American Idol auditions. Which in a sense, makes it almost mesmerising, if you get what I mean.

Sighted at the road junction between Suntec City and Raffles City on my way to work: 2 army guys in uniform looking quizzically at what I presumed was a map. One was even scratching his head. Classic. So this is going to sound lame, but it sure came across as a peculiar sight to me. I mean, 2 army guys looking at a map in town on a busy weekday morning. I don't know what went wrong during their night walk, but someone ought to speak to their sergeant about lost soldiers and sticking close together.

Blargh. I have ranted. I have whinged. And now to whine. Busy-ness! Bah! I'm definitely looking forward to this week to be over. I'm not dissing the activities, but for the fact that they are all packed back-to-back over the weekend, or at night after work, leaving me pretty much frazzled over the stuff I need to see to, but have no time to do so. Of course, the ridiculous thing about this issue is what on earth am I doing up at 12.12AM whining about my schedule. Right. Hint made to self, hint taken by self.

Good night.

Cute Overload.

2006-02-11T15:35:00.000+08:00

The website is a treasure trove of oh-so-cute critter pictures, but this one takes the cake. I give it a 9.5 (out of 10) on the hyperventilation-scale-of-cuteness.

Somebody save meeeee...!

because Candice tagged me.

2006-02-01T21:09:00.000+08:00

4 Jobs You've Had in Your Life:
# Relief Teacher
# Tuition Teacher
# Data Entry Temp
# Student Assistant

4 Movies You Could Watch Over and Over Again:
# Lost In Translation / Last Life In The Universe (It's a seriously close tie. I can't decide)
# The Joy Luck Club
# Billy Elliot
# Spirited Away

4 TV Shows You Love(d) to Watch:
# Sesame Street
# CSI
# Friends
# Dexter's Lab

4 Places You've Lived:
# Queenstown
# Clementi
# Clementi
# Clementi

4 Places You've Been On Vacation To:
# UK
# USA
# Thailand
# Beijing

4 Places You'd Rather Be At Now:
# Thailand
# NYP
# In an airplane
# Underwater

4 of Your Favourite Foods:
# Rojak
# Ba chor mee
# Curries
# Lasagne

4 Websites You Visit Daily:
# http://www.hotmail.com
# http://www.yahoo.com
# http://www.comics.com
# http://www.cuteoverload.com

tra-la-la-di-da

2006-01-31T14:52:00.000+08:00

Insipid update as the 4 day CNY holiday bonanza draws to an end. Thanks to my mum, I've been terribly well-fed. She's been outdoing herself meal after meal in the kitchen. Curry chicken, fa cai + mushroom stew (a staple in our household at CNY), spaghetti, and frequent dips into the numerous tubs of nuts, chocolates, veggie crisps, and interesting Taiwanese confectionary.

Finished the 2 movies and both Discworld novels. 4 more books to go!

2 nights of CSI marathons on AXN. The series and spin-offs (CSI: Miami + CSI: New York) aren't totally perfect. Think cheesy punch/pun-lines and the occasional unsatisfactory ending, in addition to blatant glamourisation of the forensic procedures (How come the lab apparatus in NUS's multi-million dollar research labs never look so good? And how could the women get away with their long flowy locks let down as they industriously examine the cadaver/on-site evidence/sort out bloodied clothing?). The acting abilities of CSI: NY's cast also leaves much to be desired. But putting all those aside, the plots are more or less solid enough to keep me coming back for more. Thumbs up for the series writers and AXN's programme schedule!

Scooting off for another round of reefwalking in less than an hour. It's been quite a while and I'd say high time we had one too. Those boot(ie)s of mine were made for walking. Punny? Punny. PUH-huh-Neeeeeee... Hur hur hur.

Hokay. I shuddup now.

bad girl.

2006-01-26T23:00:00.000+08:00

Just 4 days into work and I look back upon the free time that I'd taken for granted in the not-too-distant days of bumhood with much wistfulness. I have (all stacked up in one precarious pile) Lee Strobel's The Case For A Creator, 2 Discworld novels, Jane Austen's Northanger Abbey, and 3 Photoshop guidebooks awaiting my perusal. Not forgetting 2 movies that are due tomorrow. Buggrit.

Sigh. Oh and because I failed to mention this in my last post, I'm working as a contract research assistant in a software company.

In other news, I have officially blown 60 bucks on concert tickets. 2 separate events that take place in the space of a week between each other - Incognito and Jason Mraz.

People, I am going to watch JASON MRAZ IN CONCERT!

*screams with delight and faints*

*ahem*

What is worse is that I am now coveting tix to Corrine May's concert. Which thankfully, are all sold out. But never mind. The tix to Mraz's aka Mr A-Z's gig more than makes up for it. Meeheehee... =D

ohm.

2006-01-23T21:30:00.000+08:00

The journey to work was... tranquil. No squishing sardine-like with other people, nor were there any traffic jams. Yay for the direct bus route.

View from the office is stunning. Must... lay... hands.. on... digicam/camera phone/whatever soon. Not that I get to appreciate it all the time though. I'm sitting in a windowless room. Boo.

Oh. And the desktop that I'm assigned to? It is strange. It makes a noise every now and then that sounds like a mosquito buzzing around. Heh.

Update

2006-01-19T22:36:00.000+08:00

By the sole provision of God, I have gotten a job, and will be starting work this coming Monday. It was something that had already been more or less confirmed 1.5 weeks ago, but I guess I wasn't comfortable putting it up on the web until I'd signed the contract!

Such has He provided for my needs that I've been left mouth agape numerous times over. The increase in pay, for one. The company decided to raise the amount from an hourly rated pay to one that meets my qualifications, even though it's only a temp position lasting 3 months. And believe it or not, very timely SALES while I still have the time to shop. As frivolous as it may sound, I'm seriously not kidding about this point. The office is located in the CBD area, and in no way are the current contents of my wardrobe able to see me through the basic dress code expected over there. Blouses under $10, bottoms at $20. Woot. Though I do wonder what shall become of them should my plans to study Physio come to pass...

Work clothing issues aside, I'm looking forward to the stint in a corporate environment. I know, I know, I've always balked at the mere thought of being dressed in office garb and joining the mon-fri, 9-5 grind. But I do welcome the (short-term) exposure. Heh. =)

Application for a place in NYP is still pending. Outcome will only be released in late Feb/early March. Please cover in prayer!

My God is BIG

2006-01-12T10:29:00.000+08:00

... and I am small.

Snapshots

2006-01-10T18:31:00.000+08:00

FEED ME.

2006-01-06T17:48:00.000+08:00

Here is Richie with a devastated expression, after having his extremely persistant begging attempts cruelly ignored by me. (Will you just look at those whiskers of his. Insanely long!)

Taking a break from begging, he goes on to meditate for a bit. Perhaps on what he could possibly be getting for dinner. Yes. He eats tomatoes and broccoli. As much as you put before him. Practically breathes it down. Puts some people I know to shame, doesn't it? =p

resolve.

2006-01-04T11:24:00.000+08:00

Swam 22 laps in the pool yesterday afternoon. 1st dip in 6 months, and boy, I really ought to do this on a regular basis. Given the super long period of inactivity, I'd already thought I wouldn't be able to hit 20 laps without a fight, but was amazed at the ease my arms pulled me through the water with. It was... therapeutic. I would have readily continued but for the concern that I'd better go easy so as not to risk waking up with aching limbs the next day.

Shucks. I'm not a New Year resolution-making sort of person, but there are already a few things that I would sure like to achieve/get started on in the course of the coming year. Like stop shooting my mouth off, for one.

Hello, 2006.

2006-01-01T23:23:00.000+08:00

Back safe and sound from the mission trip. I totally enjoyed myself and savoured every moment there, but personal post-trip reflection still awaits my attention.

And so, a new year creeps up behind my back, taps me on the shoulder, and demands to know my plans for it.

Nonplussed.

2005-12-22T21:04:00.000+08:00

18 hours before take off and strangely, I don't feel as excited as I thought I'd be. Truth is, I don't feel excited at all. Other thoughts and concerns tapping me on my shoulder. Weary, broken, sunk.

Just what are my priorities at this stage in life?

'tis a mystery.

2005-12-20T12:35:00.000+08:00

How on EARTH would one teach guitar to a bunch of rambunctious kids, who have you tearing your hair out with their querulous, attention-deficit behavior half the time, and bemused with their rocker-wannabe antics the other half? =/ I find myself losing the inspiration, and the lesson plan that I was so pleased with threatening to dissolve into a mess. Urk.

But then again... the problem would possibly lie with the (i suppose, hateful) tuning up that I insist they do on their own before each lesson. The ones who make a good job out of it get bored and snarky whilst waiting for their counterparts to struggle through with their own untuned guitars. I don't blame the ones who have to wait. It took up to 40 minutes for all of them to tune up their instruments and settle down peaceably before I could even begin the previous lesson proper. Arrrrgggh. Should I just ditch the tuning and proceed anyway?

Gargh. Ok. I shall cheat today, and bring my guitar tuner to class. Sigh.

Chaos.

2005-12-20T10:14:00.000+08:00

Another mission trip prep sesh last night. Is it normal for people to go ~~a little~~ side-splittingly mad as the departure date draws nearer? But then again, it's always been the guys who were the cause of the... disruptions. Or eruptions (of laughter), depending on one's perspective.

Come on ring those bells *ding ding ding* liiiiight the Christmas treeeee...

Arrrgggghhhhh!!! Shuddup! Shuddup!

In other news, I have to mime FEAR as A attempts to stab me. Ack.

5760 minutes

2005-12-19T09:20:00.000+08:00

Well, more or less anyway, before I depart for Chiang Rai. (Have I mentioned that I'll be going there on a mission trip yet?) Quite excited, especially when I'm going to see some familiar faces. It's been close to 2.5 years since I made that trip to the youth hostel. Whoa.

Anyway, flight details are as follows:

Leaving 23rd Dec 2005, Friday: Flight TR128, 1645 hrs, T1
Back on 30th Dec 2005, Friday: Flight TR129, 2330 hrs, T1

No longer counting down by the days, but by the hours. And soon, by the minutes. :p

*muses*

Ahhhhhhhhhh! I can't believe I'm going back there again! *bounce bounce bounce*

Thanks

2005-12-17T00:12:00.000+08:00

... for the bday cake. I was totally caught by surprise when WL lifted up the box into view. It was so sneakily pulled together, well done! Or perhaps my level of alertness has just declined with age... Haha. =p

Btw, I would probably have cried if I'd been in a more emo frame of mind, but.. whew... Anyhoo, just so that all of you know that I'm really touched by the gesture. =)

Weird meme

2005-12-16T08:39:00.000+08:00

Sigh. It's barely 9 in the morning, I've got application stuff to ~~worry~~ settle and a mission trip activity proposal to type out... but because JON LEONG tagged me...

Rules of the game:
1. Post 5 weird/random stuff about yourself.
2. At the end, list the names of 5 people whom you want next to do this, and leave a comment “YOU ARE TAGGED!” in their blog and tell them to read your blog for rules.

1. I once (out of many many occasions) burst into tears in primary school cos one of my plaits came undone by itself. I got scolded for crying by my form teacher as she was helping me braid it back - I don't think I felt any better for it!

2. I have a tendency to stare off into space, whether or not I'm surrounded by people aplenty.

3. I buffed my fingernails yesterday.

4. I was once possessed to pick up a month-old kitten from the streets and carry him home in a paper bag.

5. I burst into tears (oh no, not again) when my grandfather decided to sit down beside me to read the newspaper (and presumably appreciate the "music") while I was grudgingly practicing on the piano. I think I was 5 or 6 then.

Tagging Candice, Sheep, and Wei Liang. (i know that's only 3, i can count. i just can't think of 5 people!)

Oh, Mr Darcy!

2005-12-13T19:53:00.000+08:00

Behold. The consequences of watching Pride & Prejudice:

What the...

2005-12-13T08:28:00.000+08:00

Hi,
I'm Ezekiel male 20 Nigerian Studying Information
Systems at the Singaporemanagement
University.....
I saw ur profile..haha.it's intresting........
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like to meet u...my email addy is
ezekielekata@yahoo.com
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be friendz
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Don't mind my sounding funny......
Sweet words are easy to say, Sweet things are
easy 2 buy, but sweet people are difficult to find.
Life ends when U stop dreaming, hope ends when
U stop believing, love ends when U stop caring,
friendship ends when U stop sharing. So share this
with whom ever U consider a friend. To love without
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reason ................. and to care without
expectation..........is the heart of a true friend.........

When I get messages like these over Friendster, it both tickles and irritates me. It tries hard to impress, but way too hard. Thanks for the reminder about needing to be in good hands anyway - I agree with you on that one. Yvonne trying to strike it out on her own spells total self-destruction. Jehovah Tsidkenu. Jehovah Jireh. Jehovah Shalom. Jehovah Rohi. Jehovah M'Kaddesh. Jehovah Nissi. Jehovah Rophe. Jehovah Shammah. Names that belong to the same Person whose hands I'm in. Heard of Him?

Cap'n Squee

2005-12-12T10:38:00.000+08:00

Cap'n Squee
Originally uploaded by squashedspuds.

My very handsome, albeit slightly deranged and smelly, cat. Caught him sneaking around INSIDE the washing machine a long time back (shhh don't let my mum know).

It's been 2 years since he left us. Cliched as it sounds, I've since moved on, though I do wonder every now and then what things would have been like if he was still around. Despite harboring a death-wish, he was an affectionate little squirt. Richie's only beginning to catch up in that department, and I attribute it to age. He slinks into my room when I'm stoning and plonks himself down, making sure that a massive portion of his torso's lying right on top of my foot. As though he's afraid that I would forget his presence. Hah.

Let Us Love And Sing And Wonder

2005-12-07T11:05:00.000+08:00

Let us love and sing and wonder,
Let us praise the Savior’s name
He has hushed the law’s loud thunder,
He has quenched Mt. Sinai’s flame.

Let us love the Lord who bought us,
Pitied us when enemies,
called us by His grace and taught us,
gave us ears and gave us eyes;

He has washed us with His blood,
He has washed us with His blood,
He has washed us with His blood,
He presents our souls to God

Let us wonder; grace and justice
join and point to mercy’s store;
when through grace in Christ our trust is,
justice smiles and asks no more;

He who washed us with His blood,
He who washed us with His blood,
He who washed us with His blood,
Has secured our way to God

So let us praise and join the chorus
of the saints enthroned on high;
here they trusted Him before us,
now their praises fill the sky.

...washed us with His blood...

He who washed us with His blood,
He who washed us with His blood,
He who washed us with His blood,
Has secured our way to God

© 2005, Jars of Clay
Lyrics by John Newton

6am and wide awake at the bakeover when everyone else was fast asleep. Sitting beside the window where a light drizzle and faint murmurs of thunder kept me company. Jars of Clay did a really swell reinterpretation with this 1774 hymn. The dreamy, contemplative mood, the layering of the vocals... sits down well with lyrics. Brownie points for the inclusion of that oriental-inspired riff. And that very straight drum beat. Who said simplicity had to be boring?

Coincidentally, John Newton also composed the oft-sung Amazing Grace. Well, that's my tidbit for the day I suppose.

Random.

2005-12-05T19:26:00.000+08:00

Repeat as many times before you surrender: I'm a cat, I'm a kitty cat, and I dance, dance, dance, and I dance, dance, dance!

Source here

Disclaimer: This is not a result of free time stretching for hours on end i.e. surfing sites containing inane videos. I've actually seen this one over a year ago, and it just popped into my mind. Hilarious? Not quite. Idiotic? Terribly. Immense potential to stick like rubber when you're bored? Indeed.

immakat, immakittykat, hand i danse danse danse hand i danse danse danse...

The video that I really want to find at the moment is one featuring feline boo-boos, like falling off couches, scaring themselves in the mirror etc etc. Richie did a classic this morning when he was in his post-breakfast-let's-play-tag high, and he tobogganed off WITH a cardboard sheet and crashed onto the floor, instead of leaping onto it and claiming alpha-male status. :p

Your scars are bigger than these tears of mine

2005-11-30T10:14:00.000+08:00

This was to have been a post about no longer being 16. But in that flash of agony, I sought to douse the angst in my folder of Switchfoot songs.

We need more bands like them. And Switchfoot, if (as the rumours go) you are selling out, then I can only thank God for the stuff you have already written.

Redemption

Four A.M., two hours to go
I'm wearing out a lonely glow
I miss you more than I could know
Here I am, here I am
Won't you get me....

I've got my hands at redemption's side
Whose scars are bigger than these doubts of mine
I'll fit all of these monstrosities inside
and I'll come alive, come alive

With my fist down at your feet
I was running out of mysteries
Insecure and incomplete, here I am, here I am,
won't you get me?

I've got my hands at redemption's side
Whose scars are bigger than these doubts of mine
I'll fit all of these monstrosities inside
and I'll come alive, come alive, alive, come alive

My fears have worn me out
My fears have worn me out
My fears have worn me out
My fears have worn me, worn me out

I've got my hands at redemption's side
Whose scars are bigger than these doubts of mine
I'll fit all of these monstrosities inside
and I'll come alive

I've got my hands at redemption's side
Whose scars are bigger than these doubts of mine
I'll fit all of these monstrosities inside
and I'll come alive, come alive

© 2003, Switchfoot

Catscapades

2005-11-28T13:37:00.000+08:00

Everytime somebody pipped up with a "Haha, she's a cat-lover!", I'd be quick to turn to the respective party and drolly reply, "No, I'm an animal-lover". I didn't like the idea of being pigeon-holed to only one furry creature when I do so appreciate most other kinds of living things. It didn't feel really swell either to be often described as cat-like, be it my personality or even my features (And I still strongly disagree on that point. I do not physically resemble a cat whatsoever! Hmph.) Descriptions associated with felines are stereotypically never... positive. I mean, catty just brings to mind stuff like spit, hiss, or will dig claws into your eyes at a moment's notice. But short-comings are short-comings nonetheless, and I've slowly come to recognise the semblence of truth in certain associations.

Warning: In returning to the main topic of cats, picture heavy post ahead. I found the whole lot online. Continue scrolling down and be (hopefully) mesmerised.

Addenum: Try imagining The Blue Danube playing in the background!

Oh yes, go ahead and call me a cat-lover. How can anyone possibly resist these haughty, megalomaniacal, but ever-so-hilarious things? *grin* I'm already entertaining the idea of me in 60 years or so, as a single old lady living in an apartment with 101 cats. Oh, and who probably keeps a lace hanky in her purse. Bwahahahaha.

Ok. I'm KIDDING. A hundred and one cats would be overkill. Besides, think about the mess. I'll keep it down to 2. Or maybe 3. =p

Humbug

2005-11-25T22:58:00.000+08:00

With the immense amount of time in my hands, I've taken to a *gasp* couch potato's lifestyle. Probably clocked in more hours in the past week than I have in the past... uh... year. All that telly watching has only served to shamelessly expose Man in his full glory of vice, stupidity, and despotic tendencies. Admittedly, the bulk of the blame can be laid upon reality tv shows, what with their platitudinous rigmaroles... The truth hurts, but the truth will also set you free - One woman to another in her attempt to admonish her on her supposedly poor parenting skills, on Trading Spouses. Yeesh. No expounding required for the stuff shown on E! Entertainment. I'll sheepishly admit that I've been tuning in to that alot though... heh. Programs on NGC and Discovery are peppered with our humanisms, like how since Man has always been "conquering" things, spreading over the continents, overcoming the Ice Age, it's now time for him to conquer space and perhaps inhabit Mars, a good time to start thinking about it anyway in view of the fact that the sun's only going to get hotter and hotter and us humans will perish on planet earth if we don't do a thing about it.

Point of this post? None at all. It was just a humbug of a rant. Or a humbug's rant. Or perhaps it was a rant on humbugs.

Humbug.

Bee In A Bottle

2005-11-24T21:46:00.000+08:00

Another thousand and one thoughts fighting for attention in the recesses of my mind. Feeling increasingly fed-up with the stagnation I find I'm in, not only for the past month of bumming, but for the entire past 3 years. I see people being involved, doing things left, right, centre. Me? I've nothing to show. Nada. Zilch. No accomplishments, no accolades, nothing that is actually of any WORTH.

I end up struggling to convince myself that they ought to accept me into the course.

Thinking into the future, wondering where and what will we all be doing. Already I see some old mates blooming from nondescript bud to flourishing flower, and I'm truly glad for them. Then with a heavy heart I turn to You and show you my empty hands, with the despairing feeling that it is I who is getting in the way of who I'm meant to be.

I don't mind if you've got something nice to say about me
And I enjoy an accolade like the rest
You could take my picture and hang it in a gallery
Of all who's who and so-n-so's that used to be the best
At such'n'such ... it wouldn't matter much

I won't lie, it feels alright to see your name in lights
We all need an 'Atta boy' or 'Atta girl'
But in the end I'd like to hang my hat on more besides
The temporary trappings of this world

I want to leave a legacy
How will they remember me?
Did I choose to love?
Did I point to You enough
To make a mark on things?
I want to leave an offering
A child of mercy and grace who
blessed your name unapologetically
And leave that kind of legacy

I don't have to look too far or too long awhile
To make a lengthly list of all that I enjoy
It's an accumulating trinket and a treasure pile
Where moth and rust, thieves and such will soon enough destroy

Not well traveled, not well read, not well-to-do or well bred
Just want to hear instead, "Well Done" good and faithful one...

- Legacy, © Nichole Nordeman

Cloud Illusions

2005-11-20T20:59:00.000+08:00

Evening clouds from my window today. Not as dramatic as those I've caught on some other days...

... But I found them pretty nonetheless. Brought to mind the lyrics of Joni Mitchell's Both Sides Now. Heh. My mum casually mentioned that my cousin S will be getting married next year. Like whoa, isn't she only a year older than I am? And so is J, who's tying the knot in December. Goodness gracious. Are people trying to reverse the trend of marrying late these days? :p

Was going to blog about how amazed I was by a certain Jason Lewis. The Straits Times article had led me to believe that he's been in a kayak for the past 11 years, ALONE, in a bid to make a round-the-world trip. Turns out that it's correct on only 2 counts. It has been 11 years since he started his human-powered voyage around the world. Bah. Impressive, but what a let down after my initial impression. Try imagining yourself in a kayak for 11 years with absolutely no human company for weeks on end, battling stormy seas and scorching sun. Now THAT would be impressive. But intensely cruel. Oh well. So much for that.

Noteworthy?

2005-11-13T19:25:00.000+08:00

Braved clouds of dust (and possibly a gazillion mildew spores, yuck) in an effort to tidy up the stacks of notes accumulated over the years. Out with the clunky, mildew-collecting, rust-prone files, and in with the cardboard boxes! Believe it or not, I still hang on to my JC notes (Bio, Chem, C Math). So sue me, but I like knowing that they are still there should I ever need a reliable source of reference. They'll certainly depart for a worthier cause one fine day (i.e. r-e-c-y-c-l-i-n-g), but not just yet. Heh.

Wrestled a bit with whether to keep the Chem practical worksheets, but decided that they had to go, together with the Bio ones. It was a humbling reminder of sorts, when I flipped through a few practs and saw "you need to put in more effort" scribbled in red on a pract I did back in J1. Boy, was Protozoa right.

In the midst of sifting through the reams of paper, out slipped a loose scrap folded in half. I literally cringed when randomly scanning through what was written on it - one of those diary entries I'd written on loose paper when I badly needed to write outside of home. Involving some infatuation I had going on in J1, that has since most definitely gotten its flame snuffed out. The hilarious bit about it (in retrospect) was the shortness of its lifespan in spite of the serious tone of the entry. Yet it was also the serious tone (and the recollection of the subject's character) that made me nearly chuck the paper down the chute. One of those Oh Yvonne, how COULD you? flashbacks. Urgh.

Badly In Need Of...

2005-10-31T23:27:00.000+08:00

Joy. And love. I'm tired of the inner me scowling each time I receive certain instructions. I feel as though we share the equivalent of the frequencies that traverses between a chicken and a duck. Something within incites me to grit my teeth, look up to the heavens, and mutter the word "honestly", with much chagrin. Rebellious nature at work? A grudge that's still surreptitiously lurking in the depths of my heart?

Has it always been within my means to execute the given requests? Yes. So why does it irk me so, when I'm more than available to carry out an assigned duty (and then some, but with shame I admit that I don't), to be asked to do something which only serves to evolve a situation from an A-B-A into A-B-C-A? Why why why? Why do I keep asking why? Gaaarrggh.

*glums*

Eureka!... not.

2005-10-28T08:57:00.000+08:00

Me and my bright ideas. Absolute dearth of inspiration to cough up any remotely sellable (and suitable) iron-on designs for T-shirts. They can't have too-fine lines (else the picture might tear when peeled off the sheet it was drawn on), and they have to be limited to bright and cutesy colours like royal blue, sunflower yellow, emerald green, fire engine red, amethyst violet and orange orange (All very Happy House-ish). The problem is... I'm NOT FEELING BRIGHT NOR CUTESY. Even the peacock sketch that I used to doodle looks glum when I draw it on paper now. Like a cross between a griffin and a gargoyle. BAH. I can't do my bug sketch either cos of the legs and feelers. Plus I'd feel bad copying the fish sketch that one of my church youth once did for me. I could possibly use my old Pipsqueak drawing - it's remotely suitable, but why would anyone want to buy a T-shirt with a cutsey bird on it? ARGGGH. Buggrit.

Squirm.

2005-10-25T19:13:00.000+08:00

Hey world! Look at me become increasingly superficial as the days go by!

Just a random scan through the entries I'd blogged a year or so ago make me blink in astonishment. You mean I wrote that? I'd actually thought that? I mean, look at the stuff that's being churned out here these days. *caustic laugh*

No. Not funny. *prods inner self* Hey you. How have you been? Time to come out of hibernation, I say.

A quote that holds semi-true now. Run run run. *wham*

*** *** ***

Anyway, spent today ~~crashing~~ attending chapel in the morning, which was followed by brunch and conversation mostly regarding volunteer work. Explored Arab street in the afternoon with R. NOW I know where to go for really pretty fabrics and textiles. And fashion-shoot worthy backdrops. Har har. Most outrageous discovery of the day: That a Swatch skin which retails for $130 at departmental stores was being sold for $170 at a high street fashion shop along one of the alleys. Sheer insanity.

2005-10-24T21:12:00.000+08:00

There they go again. Thoughts and prose in my mind, and I'm unable to pin down any in their entirety. Language. Malapropism. Doxology. A natural extention of self. And it is here where I've totally lost my train of thought. Remind me once again that it is highly unadvisable to attempt any form of muse when logged on to MSN. Bah.

2005-10-21T23:54:00.000+08:00

~~Explored~~ trampled on the intertidal zone at Sentosa in the (late) evening after a rather long break from BWV guide training, but kept getting distracted by the stars. It hurt to look at them.

A Bum's Life Truly Sucks.

2005-10-20T15:53:00.000+08:00

As one could probably infer from the half-hearted attempt at sprucing up my blog's layout (I'm getting bored with it but as it is I lack the motivation to actually learn proper coding and stuff)... this bumming business is slowly getting to me. It might very well soon chew me up and spit me out as a soggy mess.

I tell myself that the time I have on my hands could well and truly be a windfall. No doubt this will elicit vigorous nods of agreement from those in their honours year. Yet the abundance of time in the absence of deadlines is proving to be a backfiring situation of sorts. Time to draw up a schedule of stuff to do daily? This would probably involve some revision of the Thai language, independent bible study, time with my guitar, and observing how many times Richie wakes up to shift positions in the course of his day-long nap. It sickens me to find how the morning whizzes by and all I've done is to peruse the newspapers and potter aimlessly around the house. Oh. And twiddle about with the layout of the mission trip prayer letter. I reiterate, any long-term job I take on must NOT require long hours at the computer. *hiss*

A time to refocus, review, and reorganise. And in the midst of all that, to not lose sight of the BIG picture. Now, THAT'S tough.

Lunch.

2005-10-15T13:41:00.000+08:00

Been instructed to have a muesli bar and a cup of yoghurt for lunch in order to save space for a late afternoon tea/dinner with my mum later. One teensy nibble of that fruit and nut bar and I'm all for declaring myself full.

Wait

2005-10-09T21:10:00.000+08:00

It's been ages... MONTHS since I last heard a song that made me grab the custom acoustic by the neck and scramble online to hunt for the tabs and lyrics.

Wait, I can hardly wait
To look into Your face
When the world disappears into Your eyes

Wait, I can hardly wait
To hear Your sweet voice say
You've done well, my good and faithful son

Breathe, I can hardly breathe
In anticipation
Waiting for the day to come
When You will shine on me

Wait, I can hardly wait
To bow down at Your feet
Kiss the scars that bore my sins away

Breathe, I can hardly breathe
In anticipation
Waiting for the day to come
When You will shine on me

Wait, I can hardly wait

© 2005, The Afters

That voice. That simple riff. The build-up. I feel like my aural senses have been revived.

Mind in a whirl.

2005-10-07T19:42:00.000+08:00

That nudge that I've been whinging for finally came in the form of a 2 day attachment at the NUH rehab department - and yes, it's stirring me OUT of inaction and into... a sense of impatience and apprehension and goodness-knows-whatever...!

I want to go for it. Pursue a degree in physiotherapy and join the health care sector. Dang red tape and administrations and all that. Mind's in a whirl with what-ifs and how-tos and then-hows.

God willing, tape and stuffy management personnel won't hold me back on my quest. How very funnily that BSF's recent study of Ruth pops into mind at the moment...

I have only one request at the moment - pray for me, for this next step to be one of faith. Even now I find myself preparing the ground with cushions to soften any blows of defeat. Eeks.

I'm baaaaaaaack.

2005-09-29T14:35:00.000+08:00

Well! It sure has been somewhat of a long hiatus. What with a data-entry job and 2 tuition kids, life couldn't possibly have been terribly interesting. Or I could be wrong. Learnt a few lessons along the way - a little wiser for it (I hope).

So what's next. Everybody's asking me that. Eurgh. Well, I'm gonna look for a job. God-willing, somebody might just employ me. The other option I've been contemplating is still hanging in limbo tho.... eeks. (Stop procrastinating, yaaaargggggh!!!)

Got my hair "tidied up" at the Toni & Guy Academy yesterday. You know, those hairdressing academys where students cut your hair for free? It got unnerving at times when the instructor came over to chide my student hairdresser for "getting it wrong". Was imagining the worst i.e. my hair getting progressively shorter than what I'd told her to cut as the minutes went by, but I actually like the end-result!. I now have bangs (somewhat) and layers that bounce when I move my head. Bwahaha. :D

Am now reading The Case for Christ by Lee Strobel. This bit tickled me:

"... in principle, if he's the sort of God who has moral judgments on those matters, he's got to have moral judgements on this huge matter of all these divine image-bearers shaking thier puny fists at his face and singing with Frank Sinatra, 'I did it my way'. That's the real nature of sin."

Realistic and serious nature of the above aside, I couldn't help but recall the use of that song in Swallowtail Butterfly, in addition to the imagery of a horde of pipsqueaks holding on to statues and shaking their fists in God's face whilst belting out the tune in high pitch tones. Hahaha. =p

2005-09-07T22:24:00.000+08:00

I've always liked photographs of old. Not those of us as kids mind you, slightly yellowed and decolourised as they might be, but the black and white portraits of people from generations ago (think photos of chinese migrants witht their families like those in our secondary school history textbooks, or world war II-era portraits of individuals). They seem to contain a particular quality and depth that's missing from the deluge of images flooding one's visual senses today. Is it just the novelty of a slightly blurred, colourless picture that gets my attention, or do the expressions on their faces have something to do with it? There almost seems to be a sense of timelessness captured in their eyes. Perhaps the simplicity of life then (or the hardships) contributed significantly to this; how unlike the over-satiated lifestyle given unto this generation. We smile and pose readily before a gadget that has become all-too familiar in our hands - and while the end results sometimes do capture the memorable moments or a visually-pleasing setting, it's just... different.

I wonder how I'd look like in one of those photos though. Grumpy? Glassy-eyed? Bewildered? Clueless? Haha. Oh well. One of those things we'll never know in this life.

An attempt to freeze and capture some of the thoughts within.

2005-09-02T19:53:00.000+08:00

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... Well I did say it was an attempt... Sigh.

Oh the pain. But enough of this nonsense. Over and out.

Where's the beauty from the pain?

2005-08-22T15:50:00.000+08:00

Last night as I reflected and wrote, I felt like it didn't matter anymore. I'd almost hoped I was free from those chains. Yet today... the hurt rushed up from within to choke and overwhelm.

I don't desire to be a happy-clappy. But in instances like this I cry out for a sliver of joy from You to break through that oppressive cloud of despair.

This is not good.

2005-08-11T12:44:00.000+08:00

I sat there, paralysed with, what was it... Doubt? Heavy-heartedness? Misery? Wishing that I can just bury myself in the earth. Although I probably wouldn't do a good job about it anyway - an elbow or a heel might stick out as a marker, surreptitiously waiting to be spotted.

And what if I allowed the words to fall from my lips? Would that in any way lighten the burden? I'm quite certain you will consent to listen, although whether they are what you need to hear is quite a different matter all together.

Perhaps I'm just being silly. I've been silly quite often enough these days.

for the benefit of jon leong

2005-08-04T23:14:00.000+08:00

per·co·late (v. tr.)

To cause (liquid, for example) to pass through a porous substance or small holes; filter.
To pass or ooze through: Water percolated the sand.
To make (coffee) in a percolator.

Dear Lord

2005-08-02T10:00:00.000+08:00

Dear Lord, this pain inside me
Tears me apart
And Lord the more it hurts
The harder my heart

Oh, in my darkest hour
Your love comes shining through
Your word is true and You make all things new
And I know You're all I need
You say You're here and You calm my fears
And i know You'll never leave

Dear Lord, my heart is breaking
Breaking in two
And Lord my spirit's torn and
Crushed without You

Higher than the stars that shine
And deeper than the sea
Is my Savior's precious love
Your love has set me free
Set me free...

© Sonicflood